All My Witches (A Wicked Witches of the Midwest Fantasy Book 5) Read online

  “Oh, geez.” Landon struggled to pull away, although he didn’t quite manage it. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if he was putting his full strength behind the effort.

  “My name is Summer Glade,” the nurse announced. “We’ve been in love since the moment we locked eyes across a smoky bar.”

  “A lovely story,” Thistle said. “Just out of curiosity, did you sleep together the first night you met?”

  “Of course.” Summer’s expression didn’t shift. “I told you, it was love at first sight. We even got a great song for the big montage at the end. I just can’t remember the name of it. I believe it was by Nickelback.”

  Landon groaned. “What does she mean about the song?”

  “On a soap you always get a song for sex,” I explained, my tone icy as I glared. Landon’s head was still pressed against Summer’s chest and he’d ceased struggling. “It’s like a montage. By the way, are you trying to see if you can hear the ocean in those things?”

  “What?” Landon furrowed his brow. “Oh.” He gathered his strength for a final push and jerked away, raising a hand when Summer reached for him a second time. “Don’t! I have amnesia. You’re making me uncomfortable.”

  “I bet you’re glad I gave you that story, huh?” Marcus winked as Landon scowled. “I’m starting to get this world.”

  “And Landon still isn’t,” Thistle said. “It’s kind of funny.”

  “You’re all on my list,” Landon said. “I won’t forget this.”

  “I thought you forgot everything,” Summer challenged. “Isn’t that why you don’t remember me?”

  “Do you know what I don’t get,” I offered. “Why do you have fiancées all over this place? Who has more than one fiancée?”

  “We’re not engaged yet,” Summer corrected. “He’s going to propose once his undercover assignment is completed.”

  “I must not be very good at the undercover thing if everyone knows what I’m doing,” Landon noted.

  “No, honey bunny, you’re the best.” Summer grasped at Landon’s head again, but he smoothly sidestepped her.

  “Knock that off!” Landon extended a warning finger. “I’m not your honey bunny. I’ll never be your honey bunny.”

  “Excuse me?” Summer turned shrill as she planted her hands on her hips. “If you’re not my honey bunny, whose honey bunny are you?”

  Landon jerked a thumb in my direction. I totally should’ve seen that coming, by the way. “I’m her honey bunny. Er, well, she’s my sweetie. It doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to marry you.”

  “Oh, really.” Summer narrowed her eyes until they were nothing but glittering strips of hatred. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  “I guess I am.”

  “Well then.” Summer took two deliberate steps forward, grabbed the front of Landon’s shirt before he could slap away her hands, and tugged as hard as she could. The shirt, which should’ve held together better, ripped down the center, and Summer gripped the tattered remains in her fist as she began to vibrate with anger. “You’ll be sorry you did this! I’ll make you sorry.”

  Landon, his face awash with disbelief, stared down at his bare chest. “Again? How did this happen again?”

  Thistle was laughing so hard she bent at the waist, resting her hands on top of her knees. “Oh, this is freaking priceless!”

  “Why aren’t women throwing themselves at me?” Marcus complained. “I look more like a soap star than he does.”

  Thistle sobered. “Are you honestly complaining about that?”

  “It’s not that I want another girlfriend,” Marcus stressed. “It’s just … I’m better looking than him. You believe that, right?”

  “Oh, I’m not answering that.” Thistle turned to me. “This world is kind of funny at times. I’m starting to like it.”

  “That makes one of us,” I said. “We need to find Sam and Clove to see if they have the diamond. In fact … .” I trailed off when I saw Clove darting in our direction. She looked paler than normal – even more ashen than when she realized she would have to sit in and participate with brain surgery – and she made a beeline straight for us. “What’s wrong?”

  Landon straightened his shoulders and swiveled. “Did something happen?”

  Clove remained focused on me. “You have to come. We have a situation.”

  “I’ll say we have a situation,” Thistle said. “Landon apparently has girlfriends stashed everywhere, and all of them are batshit crazy.”

  “Bay’s not crazy,” Landon shot back.

  “Oh, you’re driving me there,” I said. “What’s wrong, Clove?”

  “Sam is in trouble.” Clove was grim. “We lost Flynn on the operating table – and wait until I tell you about that situation – and now he’s been called in front of the board for disciplinary action.”

  “So? Tell him to get out of it,” Landon ordered. “We don’t have time for that.”

  “He can’t. Guards took him away.”

  “In a hospital?” That made absolutely no sense. “What do you want us to do?”

  “They want to see all of us, too. They’re waiting for us.”

  It seemed our story had taken another turn. I heaved a sigh. “Okay. I guess we know where we’re going next.”

  “Let’s just hope Landon doesn’t have another girlfriend in there,” Thistle said. “They seem to be getting crazier. The next one might very well be armed.”

  Now that was a sobering thought.

  Only on soaps is it possible for a character to walk into a room looking like a blond god and come out with an entirely different face and a different hair color and have nobody comment on it. That’s not even remotely believable … and I want realism when I’m watching a guy figure out that his father had a woman locked in a secret mansion room for twenty years.

  – Winnie on the plausibility of soap operas

  Eight

  Landon grabbed another shirt from the lost-and-found box. This one featured a smiling cow wearing a tiara. While I found Landon’s new shirt adorable, one look at him told me he felt the opposite. Apparently Aunt Tillie’s sense of humor was an acquired taste.

  “Why would they call a medical board hearing right after a death?” Landon asked as we followed Clove down the hallway behind the nurse’s station. “Usually these things need an investigation and sworn statements first.”

  “It’s a soap.”

  “That seems to be your excuse for everything.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say!” I snapped out the words with more vitriol than I intended. The look on Landon’s face told me he didn’t appreciate my tone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so … mean.”

  Landon ran his tongue over his teeth, debating. “Sweetie, you can’t let this get to you. That’s what she wants. I know it’s easier said than done, but this is all her being … well, her.”

  “I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s not your fault every woman in this world goes crazy and rips your shirt off.”

  “Yeah, what’s that about?”

  I shrugged. “Just Aunt Tillie’s sense of humor rearing its conical hat … and then laughing at us from afar.”

  “Well, it’s getting old … and fast.”

  “Yeah.”

  Clove seemed to know where to go, so we followed without complaint. When we walked into a wide conference room with a rectangular table in the center, I knew things were about to get interesting.

  Three people – three women, in fact – sat behind the table. All of them wore doctor’s coats and looked stern as they stared at Sam. For his part, Sam’s color was back, but he looked oddly uncomfortable as he sat in a chair in the middle of the room.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, my eyes drifting to the doctors. “Why are Mom, Marnie and Twila here?”

  “I don’t think it’s really them,” Sam replied. “They keep asking me about being a brain surgeon on weekends and whether it’s fulfilling. They’re also interested in free leg
al advice, because it seems Winnie is a beauty company executive on the side and she’s looking to incorporate.”

  “And I’m a ventriloquist,” Twila added.

  “Oh, well, that seems to fit,” I muttered.

  “I’m also a mime.” As if to demonstrate, Twila started moving her hands while she pretended to be trapped in an invisible box.

  “Very authentic,” Thistle noted. “What are we doing here?”

  “We’re here to see if Dr. Wharton will be allowed to keep his medical license,” Marnie said gravely. “He made several errors in surgery and a man died. We can’t simply overlook that.”

  “Oh, well, that makes sense.” I shook my head. “I’m sure Sam – I mean Dr. Wharton – is willing to give up his medical license if it means he can get out of here.” I looked to Sam for confirmation. “Right?”

  Sam nodded vigorously. “Absolutely!”

  “Now, don’t be hasty,” Clove countered. “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a doctor.”

  “He’s not really a doctor,” I pointed out.

  “Close enough.”

  “I’m starting to feel unloved, Clove,” Sam snapped. “I thought you were happy with our life together.”

  Clove balked. “I am. It’s just … haven’t you ever had a certain fantasy? I want to play doctor before we leave. Sue me.”

  “Fine. Then you have to dress up like a naughty nurse.”

  “Done.”

  Apparently Sam wasn’t expecting Clove to capitulate so easily, because his eyebrows practically flew up his forehead. “Okay. Well … um … what were we talking about again?” He flicked his eyes to the table and found Winnie, Marnie and Twila glaring at him. “Why does this feel so familiar?”

  “Because Aunt Tillie enjoys having fun at our expense,” Landon replied. “As for this … meeting … we need to get through it. I guarantee we won’t find that diamond in this room.”

  “I can mime being a diamond,” Twila offered. “I’m really good at it.”

  Landon opened his mouth to comment, but snapped his mouth shut, instead flashing an enthusiastic thumbs-up to Twila.

  “Let’s just get this over with,” I suggested. “What does Dr. Wharton need to do to keep his medical license?”

  “He needs to tell us exactly what happened in that surgery,” Mom replied. “Then we’ll vote on the outcome. That’s it.”

  “That sounds easy,” Sam said, exhaling heavily.

  Yeah, it sounded a little too easy. “Dr. Wharton isn’t going to face any other repercussions besides losing his medical license if he’s found guilty, right?”

  Landon slid me a sidelong look. “Why did you ask that?”

  I lifted a finger to still him. “Just wait.”

  “Of course not,” Mom scoffed. “We handle his medical license. She handles the rest of it.” Mom jerked her thumb to the door over her shoulder, which opened to allow Eden entrance. Thankfully she wasn’t rubbing Landon’s shirt against her face any longer, but that didn’t make her look any saner. “Eden will decide if Dr. Wharton is being brought up on criminal charges.”

  “Of course she will.” I looked to Landon. “This one is on you, big guy.”

  “You’re going to owe me an entire weekend of naked bacon wrestling when this is over,” Landon grumbled, taking a step forward. “I’m going to make you sign a contract and everything.”

  “Do I even want to know what naked bacon wrestling is?” Thistle asked.

  “I’m kind of intrigued,” Marcus said.

  “I’m grossed out,” Clove added.

  “We’re not talking about this,” I argued. “Focus on the problem in front of us. We need to keep Sam out of … whatever crazy web that nutbag is going to weave.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Eden adopted an innocent façade. “I’m simply here to do my job. I’m a diligent employee. Jericho knows that better than anyone.”

  “You’re up, Jericho,” I prodded, bowing a bit as I held out my hand.

  Landon ignored my tone and forced a smile. “It’s good to see you, Eden. I’ve been worried about you after our … breakup.”

  “Oh, don’t play coy with me,” Eden hissed as she strode forward, not stopping until she was directly in front of Landon. “I know what kind of game you’re playing.”

  “I simply want to make sure that an innocent doctor isn’t punished for something that wasn’t his fault.”

  “Why? What’s in it for you?”

  “Nothing.”

  “What’s in it for her?” Eden inclined her chin toward me. “I know you’re only doing this to protect her.”

  I thought Landon might argue – he had that sort of look on his face – but instead he changed tactics. “I’m not trying to protect her,” Landon whispered. I could hear him, but just barely. “I’m undercover and I have to use her for information. I can’t talk about this in front of her.”

  Eden’s eyes widened. “But you said … .”

  “I have to maintain cover in front of her at all costs. The fate of the entire investigation rests on it.”

  I did my best to maintain a neutral expression, but it wasn’t easy.

  “So you’re still in love with me?” Eden asked hopefully.

  “I’m … very fond of you and hopeful you’ll do the right thing,” Landon gritted out, being careful not to make eye contact with me. I think he was afraid what he would find, but I knew he was simply doing his best to speed things along.

  Eden studied Landon’s face for what felt like forever. Finally, she offered a curt nod and turned to Mom, Winnie and Twila. “I’ve heard enough. There will be no criminal charges filed against Dr. Wharton.”

  Thistle leaned closer to me. “We didn’t present any evidence.”

  “Who cares? This has already gone on far too long.”

  “Yeah, we’re in a boring part,” Thistle agreed. “In fact … .”

  When she didn’t finish her sentence, I turned to face her and found her eyes glued toward a window near the ceiling. I followed her gaze, frowning when I realized we were looking at an observation room of sorts.

  “Why would that be there?” I asked, confused. “This isn’t an operating room.”

  “No, but look who’s standing at the far end down there.”

  I gasped when I saw Aunt Tillie prancing in front of the window. She wore a loud evening gown with a peacock pattern, and one of those ostentatious hats with netting that covered her right eye. She waved with her right hand and held up the fake-looking diamond with her left.

  “Son of a … !”

  “What?” Landon turned in that direction, swearing under his breath when he saw her. “I guess we know where the diamond is.”

  Aunt Tillie waited until she was sure everyone saw her before turning on her heel and disappearing.

  “We have to chase her,” Marcus said. “We need that diamond. That’s why she has it.”

  “I know.” Landon made a growling sound in the back of his throat. “She’s officially on my last nerve.”

  “Welcome to my world,” Thistle said. “It sucks sometimes.”

  THE HOSPITAL WAS A virtual maze. We did our best to follow Aunt Tillie, even though we kept losing sight of her. When that happened, she let loose a creepy giggle that allowed us to give chase. By the fifth time it happened, we were flustered, and annoyance threatened to overtake our group.

  “I’m going to rip her throat out if she doesn’t stop making that noise,” Thistle groused. “I’m not joking. Between that and the music, it’s too much.”

  “The music is for our montage,” I pointed out. “If we were actually on a soap right now the music would be part of the chase.”

  “Yeah, what is it with the montages?” Landon asked. “You were going to explain it earlier, but then we got distracted.”

  “I’m still distracted,” Thistle volunteered. “Your T-shirt is the most distracting thing I’ve ever seen.”

  Landon pretended he didn’t hea
r her. “The music montages, Bay.”

  “It’s a normal thing on soaps. I don’t know why.”

  “Well, it’s weird.” Landon leaned against a wall and rubbed his forehead. “Does anyone else feel as if we’ve been going in circles for hours?”

  “Why do you think she used a montage?” I asked. “She wants us to feel as if it’s been hours. Real time is closer to ten minutes, but I’m exhausted from all the walking we’ve been doing.”

  “I’m more tired of the song and the giggling,” Thistle said. “I’m also beyond agitated with the fact that we’re still stuck in this world. How long are we supposed to put up with this?”

  “Until she’s finished punishing us.”

  “You’re going to blame me for this, aren’t you?” Thistle’s voice was laced with challenge.

  I shrugged. “Technically it’s both our fault. I let you talk me into cursing her.”

  “And now we’re all paying the price,” Clove supplied, earning a dark look from Thistle. “What? I’m innocent in all of this. You guys got me in trouble. It doesn’t seem fair.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Thistle waved off the complaint. “We need to get ahead of her. I don’t like being behind.”

  “How are we possibly going to figure out what she has planned?” I challenged. “She’s obviously given this place a lot of thought. I mean … look at that guy.” I pointed toward a handsome doctor as he walked into the room directly in front of us. “We’ve passed him three times now.”

  “Why is that important?” Landon asked, genuinely curious. “Does he play into this?”

  “I don’t think so, but I made note because he’s going to look different when he comes out of that room. We’ve passed him three times and each time it happens. Watch.”

  As if on cue, the door opened to allow a different man to exit. He wore the same lab coat, shoes and blue stethoscope as the first.

  “What was that?” Landon straightened his back. “Is that supposed to be the same guy?”

  I nodded. “Two weeks ago I was talking to Aunt Tillie while she watched General Hospital. She was complaining because one of her favorite characters was recast. They didn’t even announce it. He went to bed one night with one actor playing him and woke the next morning with a different actor playing him. Aunt Tillie was all worked up because she thought the woman who played his love interest on the show should’ve noticed they were two different men.”