Charms & Witchdemeanors (Wicked Witches of the Midwest Book 8) Read online

  “I will smite you if you don’t stop that,” Aunt Tillie hissed, trying to find a way around Chief Terry’s massive reach.

  “She’s a little worked up,” Chief Terry said.

  “I see that,” I said, tentatively reaching a hand out and pressing it to Aunt Tillie’s shoulder. “Aunt Tillie, um, can you calm down for just one second?”

  “Can you shut up for just one second?” Aunt Tillie shot back. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of maiming law enforcement?”

  She was definitely in the middle of something. I just couldn’t figure out what.

  “Aunt Tillie, if you stop fighting Chief Terry we can get to the bottom of this and hopefully take you home,” Thistle said. “Although, to be fair, I’m kind of curious about what would happen if he locks you up, so I’m genuinely on the fence about what I want you to do. I’m going to play the good girl card, but if you want to be bad, I say go with your gut instinct.”

  “I will kill you,” I said, reaching over and viciously pinching her arm. “Don’t say things like that to her.”

  “Yes, please don’t say things like that to her,” Chief Terry intoned, his weariness evident. “Tillie, if you would please stop doing that, we could go inside and talk about this like rational adults.”

  “I’m not rational!” Aunt Tillie kept swinging her arms as Chief Terry held her in place. He could stop her physical antics without a problem. I worried she’d pull a witchy one out of her bag of tricks, though, and then we’d all be in a world of hurt.

  “Can you say that again?” Thistle asked, and when I glanced over my shoulder I found her taping Aunt Tillie with her phone. “Try to look at the camera when you do it, too. That will make the YouTube experience so much better.”

  “I will break that phone if you don’t put it away,” I threatened, lowering my voice to an ominous level. “Now is the time to help the situation, not inflame it.”

  “I’m good with the way things are going,” Thistle replied, cackling as Aunt Tillie fought to kick her stubby leg out in the direction of Chief Terry’s knee. “This is good stuff. Hey, Aunt Tillie, scream about how you’re not rational again.”

  “Knock it off,” Clove said, grabbing the phone from Thistle as she joined us. “I locked the store. What’s going on? Is she under arrest?”

  Actually, that was a pretty good question. “Is she?”

  “She’s not under arrest,” Chief Terry answered.

  That made me feel better.

  “Yet,” he added.

  Crud on crackers! Seriously, could this get any worse?

  Aunt Tillie suddenly stopped fighting, dropping her arms to her sides and standing quietly. It was as if all the fight fled her body at the same moment. For lack of anything better to do, Chief Terry kept his hand on her forehead. I think he was as surprised as I was.

  “What is she doing?” Clove asked, leaning forward.

  “Don’t let her go,” Thistle warned. “In horror movies, this is where the supposed-to-be-dead killer always comes back to kill one more idiot. Given the odds, that will be you, Clove.”

  “I hate you sometimes,” Clove muttered, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “We need to get her inside,” I said, frowning when I realized half the town was on the street watching the spectacle. “This is going to get out of hand if we’re not careful.”

  “Don’t kid yourself,” Thistle said. “It’s already out of hand.”

  “Tillie, if I let you go, do you promise to come inside and answer a few questions?” Chief Terry asked.

  “I would rather eat worms and curse your thing to fall off and use it as bait next time I go fishing,” Aunt Tillie replied, not missing a beat. She may have looked defeated, but her mind was clearly busy.

  “Well, that’s delightful,” Chief Terry said, shifting his groin to a minimum safe distance.

  “I’ve got this,” I said, pushing his hand away. “Aunt Tillie, we need you to come inside. Things will be much better when you’re in there. I promise.”

  “Yeah, just think, you can swear up a storm in there and no one will be the wiser,” Thistle offered.

  “Fine,” Aunt Tillie snapped, resigned. “I want you to know, though, you’re on my list.”

  I knew better than to show fear in the face of the enemy, but I couldn’t help but gulp. “Duly noted.”

  “Come inside,” Chief Terry said, gesturing toward the front door. “We do not want to do this in front of an audience.”

  We formed a line, Thistle and I following behind Aunt Tillie to make sure she didn’t make a break for it. When we got to Chief Terry’s office, he gestured toward the chairs across from his desk.

  “You should sit,” he said.

  “I don’t want to sit,” Aunt Tillie said. “I want to go home.”

  “Just … calm down,” I ordered, reaching out to pat her arm and then thinking better of it. “What exactly is going on?”

  “Patty Grimes is dead,” Chief Terry replied.

  “We heard that from the gossip groupies in front of Hypnotic,” Thistle said, making a face. “We heard she was poisoned and you had a suspect in custody. Then we saw you pull up to the station with Aunt Tillie in the car.”

  “Aunt Tillie wouldn’t kill anyone,” Clove said.

  Chief Terry arched a challenging eyebrow. “I saw her unleash a wind monster to kill a man about a year ago. Then there’s that whole thing about bringing a storm down to kill a man at Hollow Creek. He’s still missing, by the way.”

  “He was a murderer, and no one cares that he’s missing,” Thistle countered. “I would love it if you went in front of a judge and told him about the wind monster, though. That would go over well.”

  “You’ve always had a smart mouth, Thistle,” Chief Terry said. “I don’t appreciate it today.”

  “And I don’t appreciate being arrested for something I didn’t do,” Aunt Tillie sniffed.

  “You’re technically not under arrest,” Chief Terry clarified. “You’re being officially questioned in a murder investigation.”

  None of this was adding up. “Let’s start from the beginning,” I suggested. “When did Patty Grimes die?”

  “We’re not sure yet, but it looks like she expired during the night,” Chief Terry answered. “We’ll have to wait for an official time of death from the coroner. The paramedics at the scene noticed some … problems … with her body.”

  “The blue tint to the skin under her fingernails and the odor around her mouth,” I supplied. “Yeah, we heard that, too. Those could be signs of poisoning, but until the autopsy is complete, you don’t have a cause of death.”

  “How did you hear about the skin and odor?” Chief Terry asked, irritated.

  “This town is thick with gossips,” Thistle replied. “It always has been and that’s never going to change. Everyone already knows.”

  “Well, it’s true we haven’t declared it a murder yet, but it certainly looks like a murder,” Chief Terry said. “I’m trying to get my ducks in a row before the coroner declares it a murder – and I fully believe he’s going to do that. One of those ducks is Tillie.”

  “Quack.” Aunt Tillie made a hateful face as she mimed flapping wings and waddling in a tight circle.

  I ignored her. “But why would Aunt Tillie poison Patty Grimes? She has no motive.”

  “She might not have a motive, but I was already looking into Tillie’s whereabouts yesterday because she was sighted at the senior center,” Chief Terry explained. “She’s not supposed to be there. She’s been banned. News of Patty’s death aggravated an existing situation.”

  “Why were you at the senior center, Aunt Tillie?”

  “Quack.”

  I pressed my lips together and reined in my agitation. “Aunt Tillie, why were you at the senior center?”

  “Quack.”

  I exchanged an annoyed look with Thistle. “Is it duck-hunting season?”

  Thistle shrugged. “I have no idea. I just … stop doing
that duck thing, Aunt Tillie. We’re trying to talk to you.”

  “Quack.”

  When Aunt Tillie wants to ruffle feathers – pun intended – she’s the champion. I was legitimately torn between saving her and letting Chief Terry lock her up. Instead, I pinched the bridge of my nose to calm myself.

  “Okay, even if she was sighted at the senior center, what does that have to do with Patty Grimes?” I asked, changing tactics. “Why were you investigating her for going to the senior center?”

  “Because Margaret Little called four times to complain about Tillie being there,” Chief Terry answered. “She says Tillie put something in the coffee and she wanted it investigated. She refused to let it go. You know how she is.”

  Aunt Tillie changed her routine, mimicking a clucking hen as she continued her charade.

  “Exactly,” Chief Terry said, not missing a beat. “Margaret claims Tillie was sighted by the coffee machine, and there are multiple witnesses who say she put something in the coffee. I was looking for her to check the accusations.”

  Oh, no. I wasn’t home during the notorious senior center poisoning a few years back, but I’d heard all about it. “But … I still don’t understand what that has to do with Patty Grimes.”

  “She drank an entire mug of coffee before anyone could warn her, and then she dropped dead during the night,” Chief Terry said. “I wanted to talk to Tillie last night – that’s why I stopped out at the inn – but she dodged me when I wanted to question her. I was too afraid to follow her out to the greenhouse, so I let it go. That was probably a mistake.”

  Aunt Tillie directed her chicken sounds in Chief Terry’s direction, causing me to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. It wasn’t a funny situation, yet there was something so surreal about her reaction I couldn’t swallow my chuckle.

  “What do they think Patty Grimes was poisoned with?” Thistle asked. “Just because Aunt Tillie was at the senior center doesn’t mean she poisoned anyone. That’s a huge leap, and Aunt Tillie has no reason to kill Patty.”

  “I’ve told you everything I know,” Chief Terry said. “I just want to nail down information from Tillie before we get the autopsy results. It would be nice to rule her out before I have to start ruling people in.”

  “But … .” This was preposterous. “Why would she poison anyone? She has absolutely no motive.”

  “Some psychopaths don’t need a motive.”

  I snapped my head in the direction of the open door, frowning when I saw a strange man standing in the archway watching us. He was dressed in an expensive suit, a gun and badge on his hip, yet his expression was so ridiculous I could’ve sworn I was on a hidden camera show.

  “Who are you?” Thistle asked, wrinkling her nose.

  “That’s a very good question,” Chief Terry said. “This is a private matter, sir. If you wait in the lobby, I’ll be with you shortly.”

  The man grabbed the badge from his belt and held it up. “I’m with the FBI. I’m here to solve a murder.”

  “How do you even know there is a murder?” I challenged.

  “We got a call in the Traverse City office,” the man answered. “They sent me here to solve it.”

  This guy couldn’t be for real, could he? This had to be some sort of joke. “Who authorized you to come here?” I pressed.

  I recognized Landon’s familiar figure as he stepped into the office behind the stranger. His expression was grim. “That would be me.”

  Three

  “Landon?”

  I didn’t know what to do. I felt caught and out of place, which was exactly how he looked.

  “Hey, Bay.” Landon generally greeted me with a flirty wink, a warm embrace or smoldering kiss. He seemed out of his element. “I’m sorry about … all of this.” He gestured to the stranger.

  “Why are you apologizing to her?” the man asked, confused.

  “Because she’s my girlfriend and you’re being a … moron,” Landon replied, his dark hair brushing against his shoulders as he shook his head. “Just … chill out.”

  The man looked affronted, but the way he took a step back made me believe Landon was his superior. That was probably a good thing, but since I didn’t understand anything going on right now, I couldn’t be sure. I opened my mouth to ask who Landon’s “friend” was, but Chief Terry beat me to it.

  “What’s going on, Landon?” Chief Terry asked. “Why are you even here?”

  “That’s kind of a long story,” Landon hedged, his apologetic eyes locking with mine. I could tell he had something to say but didn’t feel comfortable doing it given his present companion. “We got a call from Margaret Little. She claimed Tillie Winchester murdered someone named Patty Grimes and the police were trying to cover it up. My boss wanted to make sure this didn’t get out of hand – and given my relationship with the suspect – he decided to send help.”

  “That would be me,” the man boasted, puffing out his chest.

  “This is Noah Glenn,” Landon said, his eyes flashing with irritation. “He’s … new.”

  “Does that mean he’s special?” Thistle asked. “Like … I don’t know … does he ride the short FBI bus?”

  Landon pressed his lips together, and I got the feeling he was trying not to laugh as Noah scowled.

  “That means I’ve been in the area only six months,” Noah replied. “I’m new to the area.”

  “You look like a walking penis in a toupee,” Aunt Tillie said, looking him up and down. “How long have you been out of diapers?”

  Noah’s mouth dropped open. “I … .”

  “He is a new addition to the FBI family,” Landon said, choosing his words carefully. “He’s been on active duty for six months.”

  “Seven months,” Noah corrected.

  “Yeah, because seven months sounds so much better than six months, doesn’t it, Skippy?” Aunt Tillie rolled her eyes until they landed on Chief Terry. “Am I done here?”

  “We haven’t even started,” Chief Terry argued. “Sit down.”

  “You sit down,” Aunt Tillie shot back.

  “I am sitting down.” Chief Terry was clawing at a shredding curtain of decorum.

  “Well, keep doing it,” Aunt Tillie said, her tone blasé. “I’m ready to go home. Can we go home? I don’t trust any of you to drive me, so I need the keys to someone’s car.”

  “If you’re not careful, you’re going to walk,” Thistle said, glancing at me. “This is going to get out of control really fast. You realize that, right?”

  I figured that out before Landon brought Noah and his ark of buffoonery to the party. I could only deal with one problem at a time, though. “I still don’t understand why you’re here,” I pressed. “I know you said Mrs. Little called you, but why would you come on her word alone?”

  “We didn’t have a choice because of the accusations being bandied about,” Landon answered, shooting me a small smile. “My boss is worried this will somehow come back to bite Chief Terry, and he’s been a valuable member of the law enforcement family in this area, so … here we are.”

  He wasn’t telling me the whole story, but I realize questioning him in front of Noah was a terrible idea.

  “That’s all well and good – and I’m so thankful you’re watching out for me – but that doesn’t change the fact that we don’t technically have a murder yet,” Chief Terry said, his voice practically dripping with sarcasm. “We have a dead body that shows the signs of a possible poisoning, but we don’t have confirmation of a murder.”

  “I know that,” Landon said. “My unit chief is worried about Mrs. Little making a fuss. She called yesterday spouting nonsense about some threat she wouldn’t describe. She called again this morning saying the threat had turned into a murder, and that was harder to ignore. He wants to make sure we don’t get to an uncomfortable place when it’s too late to do anything about it. He’s trying to be … proactive.”

  “I couldn’t possibly care less what Margaret Little thinks,” Chief
Terry said.

  “You tell him,” Aunt Tillie interjected, bobbing her head. “She’s evil. Everyone knows it.”

  “I know you’re evil when you want to be, so you might want to snap your trap shut,” Chief Terry finally flared. “We’ve had Patty Grimes’ body for exactly four hours. Emergency personnel were on the scene two hours before that. We’ve barely begun the investigation.”

  “And yet you’ve already arrested a suspect,” Noah pointed out. “How do you explain that?”

  “I haven’t arrested anyone,” Chief Terry clarified. “I was looking for Ms. Winchester because I needed to question her on another matter. It just so happens that this other matter overlaps Patty Grimes’ death. It’s a … coincidence.”

  “What other matter?” Landon was understandably suspicious.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Aunt Tillie replied. “It doesn’t concern you. There’s no reason for the FBI to get involved. In fact, I think that should be the new rule whenever it comes to the fuzz futzing with my life. The FBI is not allowed.”

  “Don’t start doing that,” Landon chided, wagging a finger in her face. “I’m here to help you.”

  “Which is why I’m the lead on this case,” Noah said, smiling. “Given Agent Michaels’ relationship with the family, our boss thought it best I handle the case. It’s my first shot at being the point man, and I’m really looking forward to it.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “You mean you’re looking for a conviction to start out on the right foot and you’re willing to railroad my great-aunt to do it,” I countered. “We’re not going to let you do that.”

  “I’m on the fence,” Thistle said, crossing her arms over her chest. “I think it might be funny if she goes to prison.”

  “You’re on my list,” Aunt Tillie hissed, causing Thistle to balk. “In fact, you’re the top five spots.”

  “Of course, we really need Aunt Tillie at home,” Thistle said, recovering quickly. “Our lives would be incomplete without her.”

  “That’s true,” Clove said. “I love her as if she was my own mother.”