Charms & Witchdemeanors (Wicked Witches of the Midwest Book 8) Read online

  “Thank you, suck-up,” Aunt Tillie said. “Save the act for when you’re called to testify in my defense. Can you still work up tears at the drop of a hat? That might come in handy.”

  “Don’t even think of doing that,” Chief Terry said. “I hate that. You’re a wonderful adult, Clove, but that crying thing you did to get your own way as a kid was just … unbelievably upsetting.”

  “I didn’t cry to get my own way,” Clove protested. “I was genuinely sensitive.”

  “I’m going to make you cry by putting my foot in your behind if you don’t focus on me,” Aunt Tillie said. “I am innocent. I’m being railroaded. ‘The Man’ is out to get me … like he always is.”

  “Don’t look at me that way,” Landon said, leveling his gaze at Aunt Tillie. “I am not out to get you.”

  “That’s my job,” Noah said, shifting uncomfortably when Landon shot him an incredulous look. “I mean that … um … I’m here to find out the truth.”

  “I’m still confused,” I said. “Patty Grimes died this morning and Margaret Little was on the phone with the FBI long before Aunt Tillie was taken in for questioning. How did she even know that Patty’s death might be ruled a murder?”

  “That’s a good question,” Chief Terry said. “I’m going to have a talk with her this afternoon so we can figure that out.”

  “I don’t think that will be necessary,” Noah said. “I’m taking over as lead investigator on this case.”

  “Over my dead body,” Aunt Tillie snapped.

  “And I will be using her dead body as a hammer if you even try,” Chief Terry added. “This is my case. You don’t have jurisdiction here.”

  “But … you’ve invited the FBI in before,” Noah said.

  “Yes. Invited. That’s the operative word,” Chief Terry said. “I’m not inviting you in. I don’t know that this is a murder. Right now it’s just a bunch of old people … er, I mean lovely senior citizens … casting stones at one another.”

  “And I’m going to find a boulder to squash them all by the time I’m done,” Aunt Tillie said, rubbing her hands together as her mind wandered to revenge fantasies.

  “Noah, you have to understand that this town is small and all the people here know each other,” Landon said. “They have old fights and grievances. We don’t know what we’re dealing with yet.”

  “But I was assigned this case,” Noah argued. “Also, you’re supposed to address me as Agent Glenn when we’re in public. You know people don’t respect me if I don’t look authoritative.”

  I was pretty sure most people didn’t respect him because he looked like a child pretending to be a man, but I kept that myself. “I hate to sound like a broken record, but there’s still no motive for Aunt Tillie to kill Patty Grimes. If Margaret Little knew Aunt Tillie would be a suspect, that’s because she called Chief Terry so many times yesterday it bordered on harassment to point him in her direction. There has to be a reason for that.”

  “And why would she do that?” Landon asked.

  I’d told him about the senior center poisoning, but apparently he needed a refresher. “Because Aunt Tillie was at the senior center when she shouldn’t have been,” Thistle replied. “She’s been banned.”

  “Because?”

  “There was an … incident … several years ago,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Aunt Tillie thought some people were cheating at cards … .”

  “They were cheating!” Aunt Tillie’s voice was becoming increasingly shrill.

  “People were cheating at cards and then some of them got sick,” I said. “Aunt Tillie was blamed, but no one was technically poisoned.”

  “What did technically happen?” Noah asked.

  “Technically?” Chief Terry was pretty close to letting his irritation come out to play. “Technically we tested the coffee and found no identifiable foreign substances. That didn’t stop Margaret Little from banishing Tillie. They’ve always had a … tempestuous … relationship.”

  “That’s because she’s evil,” Aunt Tillie said. “As a fighter of evil, I must smite her.”

  “Stop saying things like that,” I said, lowering my voice. “You’re not helping your case.”

  “There is no case,” Aunt Tillie said. “I’m innocent. In fact, I want a lawyer. Someone get me Johnnie Cochran!”

  “I’m pretty sure he’s dead,” Clove said.

  “Well, that figures,” Aunt Tillie muttered. “Who else got O.J. off?”

  “You might not want to say things like that in front of him,” Thistle said, jerking her head in Noah’s direction. “He’ll think you’re trying to get away with murder.”

  “I don’t care what he thinks,” Aunt Tillie said. “He’s the least of my worries. He’s … a child.”

  “I can legally drink and carry a gun,” Noah argued. “What child can do that?”

  Aunt Tillie gestured toward Thistle, Clove and me. “They snuck into my wine as teenagers and I taught them how to shoot. How hard is it?”

  “I don’t think that’s helping you,” Landon said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just … come on!”

  “Are you admitting to serving minors alcohol?” Noah asked, not missing a beat. “That’s against the law.”

  “Someone make him stop talking to me,” Aunt Tillie said. “I can’t even look at him.”

  “Okay, this is getting out of hand,” Chief Terry said. “We don’t technically have a murder. I’m not asking for assistance, so there’s no need for you to be here, Agent Glenn. As for the rest of it, I can’t do anything until I talk with Tillie.”

  “I plead the fifth,” Aunt Tillie said, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at a spot on the wall above Chief Terry’s head.

  “That’s something you do in court,” Clove said, shrinking when I shot her a dirty look. “What? I saw it on television.”

  “Aunt Tillie, just tell them what you were doing at the senior center yesterday,” I instructed. “Everything will be fine when you tell them you didn’t poison anyone.”

  “I don’t have to tell you people diddlysquat,” Aunt Tillie said. “In fact … I’m done talking.”

  “I’ll believe that when I see it,” Landon said.

  “Quack.”

  Landon’s face shifted from annoyed to confused. “I’m sorry … what?”

  “Quack.”

  Landon directed his attention toward me. “Why is she doing that?”

  “She’s a duck,” I replied, weary.

  “But … why?”

  “Chief Terry mentioned something about getting his ducks in a row and Aunt Tillie being one of them and then she started quacking,” I explained. “She’s a duck.”

  “It’s better than her being a chicken,” Thistle added. “She was a chicken for a little bit, too.”

  “Is this some elaborate ruse to lay the groundwork for an insanity defense?” Noah asked. “If so, I can tell you it’s not going to work on me.”

  “Quack.”

  “I may cry soon,” I said. “I just … .”

  Landon took a step in my direction, his intention to give me a hug evident, but he stopped himself when Noah fixed him with a quizzical look. Now I hated the little ferret even more.

  “I think we should call our mothers,” Clove said. “They’ll know what to do.”

  “Speaking of that, I can’t believe they’re not here,” Thistle said. “Chief Terry took Aunt Tillie into town in his cruiser. They had to see it. Why aren’t they all over this situation?”

  “First, no one is calling your mothers,” Chief Terry said. “They’ll kill me. It’s strawberry-rhubarb pie night. I don’t want to die.

  “Second, they don’t know I brought Tillie into town,” he continued. “They were not … present … when I approached her.”

  Uh-oh. That didn’t sound good. “Where did you approach her?”

  “It wasn’t in the shower or anything, was it?” Thistle asked. “I will never get that picture out of my head.”
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  “Oh, now I’m going to have nightmares,” Clove complained, slapping her hand over her eyes. “Why did you have to say that, Thistle? This is worse than the time you made me watch Hostel.”

  “It wasn’t in the shower!” Chief Terry bellowed, slamming his hands on his desk. “What is wrong with you?”

  When I was younger, Chief Terry’s temper displays always upset me. Now, not only was I used to them, I also enjoyed them. “Was she shaving her legs, too?”

  “That’s it, Bay,” Chief Terry warned. “I’m at my limit.”

  “Batten the hatches,” Thistle said.

  “I wasn’t in the shower, you perverts,” Aunt Tillie said. “He just happened to catch me … doing business … at the end of the driveway.”

  Well, that couldn’t be good.

  “Doing business?” Landon challenged.

  “I was selling my wares,” Aunt Tillie replied. Because her “wares” included illegally made wine and the occasional dime bag of medicinal pot, that was a potential land mine in a sea of absurdity.

  “I don’t know what that means,” Noah said. “Is she a prostitute?”

  “Yes, Noah. She’s an eighty-one-year-old prostitute in Hemlock Cove,” Thistle deadpanned. “She’s rich!”

  Sarcasm was obviously wasted on Landon’s new partner. “That’s against the law,” Noah said. “You should probably refer to me in a more professional manner, too. It’s Agent Glenn.”

  “I’m going to call you Agent Genital Wart,” Aunt Tillie said, causing Thistle to snicker and Landon to drop his head. “So, Agent Genital Wart, if you have no further questions … .”

  “I haven’t asked you any questions yet,” Noah said. “Don’t call me that, by the way. That’s not my name.”

  “And you’re not going to ask her any questions,” Chief Terry said. “This is my case. If I need the FBI’s help, I’ll ask. As of now, I don’t. This isn’t even a murder investigation yet.”

  “Well, I’m going to have to converse with my boss,” Noah said. “He’s not going to like this.”

  “No one likes this,” Landon said.

  “I think I should be in charge,” Noah offered. “I’m the only one without a personal connection to this case.”

  “No one is listening to you,” Aunt Tillie said, grabbing my arm. “Give me your keys. I want to go home.”

  “You’re not driving my car,” I shot back. “I’ll drive you home, but you can’t drive my car.”

  “I’ll make you smell like bacon for a month if you don’t give me those keys,” Aunt Tillie warned, referring to a favorite curse she liked to lob when the mood struck.

  “Don’t give her your keys, Bay,” Landon said, perking up. “Take a stand.”

  “I’ll make her smell like rotten eggs if you’re not careful,” Aunt Tillie threatened.

  “I don’t understand,” Noah said. “Does this have something to do with her wares?”

  “Yes,” Thistle said, nodding gravely. “She gets all decked out in her hooker garb and fries eggs by the side of the road waiting for unsuspecting motorists to pass by and fall into her evil clutches.”

  “You don’t need to understand,” Landon said, scorching Thistle with a dour look. “In fact … .”

  He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because the sound of angry voices filled the lobby, causing me to cringe when I recognized them.

  “Where is my aunt? I want her right now!”

  “Well, Mom might not have known when you picked her up, but she certainly knows now,” I said, offering Chief Terry a rueful smile. “You’re in big trouble, mister.”

  “I’m guessing strawberry-rhubarb pie is off your menu forever,” Thistle added.

  “I hate my life,” Chief Terry said, dropping his head into his hands.

  Four

  “Aunt Tillie!”

  Mom, my aunts Marnie and Twila close on her heels, barreled into Chief Terry’s office without knocking. I’ve read a lot of fantasy novels over the years, and right now Winnie Winchester looked more like the dragon about to decimate the townspeople than the mother I’d grown up with. She was truly terrifying.

  “You,” Mom hissed, narrowing her eyes in Chief Terry’s direction. “Did you arrest my aunt?”

  “Without even telling us,” Marnie added, her hands landing on her hips. Most of us resemble our mothers, but Clove and Marnie could practically be twins – if they didn’t have that pesky twenty-year age difference.. They were both diminutive – like Aunt Tillie – but stacked on top. It was a frightening combination when anger collided with heaving bosoms.

  “I didn’t arrest her,” Chief Terry protested. “I brought her down to the station to answer questions.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” Mom challenged. “You were out at the inn. You could’ve stopped inside to tell us what was going on. Instead you put her in your car and drove off with her. We wouldn’t have even known if one of the guests didn’t tell us.”

  “Who is watching the guests?” Thistle asked. “If you’re all here … ?”

  “Is that really important right now, Thistle?” Mom’s nostrils flared and I was almost convinced I could see fire licking the edges of her skin.

  “Belinda is watching the inn,” Twila supplied. “She’s just as worried about Aunt Tillie as we are, and Annie, well, she’s a mess. She keeps screaming about ‘The Man’ taking Aunt Tillie.”

  “Well, that’s just great,” Landon said, rolling his eyes. “I knew this would happen.”

  “Chill out, drama queen,” Aunt Tillie said. “You didn’t take me into custody. Chief Terry is ‘The Man’ today, not you.”

  Belinda was a recent transplant to Hemlock Cove. After an accident rendered her unable to work for a few weeks, my mother and aunts took her in and gave her a room on the top floor. She now works for them – and has multiple extra sets of eyes to watch her precocious daughter Annie – while she gets on her feet.

  “Who is this ‘man’ everyone keeps referring to?” Noah asked. “Is he one of these … crazy people … too?”

  “Who are you?” Mom asked, swiveling quickly and fixing Noah with a look that would’ve shriveled the courage of most mortal men. Unfortunately for everyone, Noah wasn’t mortal. Well, he might be mortal, but he certainly wasn’t smart.

  “I’m Agent Noah Glenn,” Noah finally choked out. “I’ll be investigating your great-aunt’s culpability in a murder.”

  “Who was murdered?” Twila asked.

  “Technically no one yet,” Chief Terry answered. “Patty Grimes was found dead in her home this morning. I was already looking to talk to Tillie because Margaret Little informed me she was at the senior center yesterday and was sighted near the coffee machine. Patty Grimes just happened to be at the senior center – and drinking coffee – yesterday.”

  “What did you do?” Marnie asked, turning on Aunt Tillie.

  “I’m back to wanting a lawyer,” Aunt Tillie said. “Who got off that chick who killed her kid in Florida? You know the one who partied while the kid was dead? If he got her off, I should be a breeze because I’m innocent.”

  “Shut up,” I said, shaking my head. “You’re making matters so much worse.”

  “Oh, I don’t think they can get much worse,” Thistle said.

  “Why would Aunt Tillie kill Patty Grimes?” Twila asked, tilting her flame-red hair to the side. She thought she looked like Lucille Ball, but she often reminded me of Ronald McDonald. “Is this because Patty has been dating Kenneth?”

  A “whoosh” went through the room as everyone exhaled at once.

  “Kenneth Langstrom?” Chief Terry asked, narrowing his eyes.

  Twila nodded, seemingly oblivious. “I was at the grocery store the other day, and Donna Fitzpatrick told me that Kenneth and Patty were dating.”

  “Who is Kenneth Langstrom?” Noah asked, pulling a notebook from his back pocket and clicking a pen. “Is he a possible suspect?”

  “He’s … .” Landon broke off, unsure
how to answer.

  “He’s Aunt Tillie’s ex-boyfriend,” Thistle supplied, groaning when I smacked her arm to quiet her. “What? It’s not like it’s a secret.”

  “He was not my boyfriend,” Aunt Tillie argued. “He was … my gentleman caller. There’s a difference.”

  “Okay, Blanche,” I said, annoyed. “That doesn’t change the fact that if Patty was seeing Kenneth we now have a motive. You … idiot.”

  “You’re now on the top of my list,” Aunt Tillie warned.

  “Just think bacon,” Landon said, nodding appreciatively.

  “I don’t care if she did have motive,” Mom said. “Aunt Tillie is not a murderer. You just said you didn’t technically have a murder yet, Terry. How can you arrest my … feeble and elderly … aunt?”

  “Oh, well, look out,” Aunt Tillie grumbled. “I’m back to liking Thistle and Bay, and now Winnie is my mortal enemy.”

  “Shush,” Mom ordered. “She’s not capable of doing what you’re accusing her of, Terry.”

  “I beg to differ,” Noah said, flipping to the front page of his notebook. “When Margaret Little called, she said Tillie Winchester was a suspect in no less than seven murders. Mrs. Little said Ms. Winchester got off in each case. She thinks she might be a serial killer.”

  “Seriously, who is this guy?” Mom asked, turning to Landon. “Did you bring him here?”

  “I didn’t have a choice,” Landon replied, his cheeks flushing. “My boss is aware of my relationship with your family.”

  “I believe he called Landon a ‘whipped puppy for love’ with the Winchester girl,” Noah helpfully offered, winking in my direction and causing me to cringe. That was creepy, right?

  “Thank you, Noah,” Landon gritted out. “Anyway, my boss believes I can’t be objective because I’m close with you. He insisted I bring Noah along … and let him lead our part of the investigation.”

  “You have no part in this investigation unless I say you have a part,” Chief Terry said.

  “And while I would normally agree with you, I think you should invite us in,” Landon said, his tone even. “We both know why.”

  “I don’t know why,” Mom challenged. “Why don’t you tell me why?”